"And den Mukstuff took a bolt round fair smack in da gob!"
Nafrot bellowed drunkenly, as raucous laughter erupted from the burly Goffs that were assembled round a blazing fire that billowed black, noxious smoke into the early morning sky.
Warboss Muglurk guffawed at his best mate's retelling of a story they had all heard countless times before, not that any of them were the counting types.
It never got old for them, just like krumpin, it never got old for them.
Muglurk quaffed more fungus beer as Nafrot pulled out his boltpistol and began firing rounds into the air with wild abandon, egged on by the ladz.
As the warboss noticed his bottle was empty, a Grot came racing up to the party, breathlessly gasping "Boss! Boss! Boss!"
"Aye? Wot?"
"da...da...da stunties is comin! da-"
The gretchin's desperate message was cut short by Muglurk's bionik leg kicking the poor wretched goblinoid somewhere back in the direction it came with what for an Ork was surprising tenderness.
"Ya ear dat ladz?" the warboss boomed, with those who hadn't been paying attention to what had transpired now turning their thuggish heads to their leader.
"Deyz comin, and we iz gotta go get um!"
That was music to the ears of the bloodthirsty Goffs, the most warlike of all the Ork clans.
They cheered and shouted as they gathered up their wargear, guzzling the last of their beers.
"Get ya boyz togeva den, quick and on da double!"
Muglurk's bionic leg came down on his discarded bottle as he continued rousing, smashing it into a hundred fragmented pieces.
THE ORKS mission: The Assassins (eliminate enemy commander)
*Warboss Muglurk- eavy armour, plasma pistol, power axe, adamantium skull, bionik leg, kustom force field
*Standard Bearer Nafrot- eavy armour, boltpistol, power sword, refractor field
*Mekboy Gorbog- eavy armour, flamer, mek's tools, refractor field
*Doc Mekgob- eavy armour, power glove, steel skull
*Weirdboy Warphead Zogwort & 4 Minderz- kustom force field/boltpistols and axes
*Bigboss Narbog- eavy armour, boltpistol, power sword, steel skull, kustom force field
*Bigboss Waa-Dreg- power armour, combi melta, power glove, boltpistol, bionic eye
*Nob Darthug- eavy armour, boltpistol and power sword
*Nob Nazgutz- eavy armour, boltpistol and power axe
*Nob Snagrot- eavy armour, boltpistol and power glove
*Nob Uzgrot- eavy armour, plasma pistol and chainsword
*Evil Sunz Nob Naguk- eavy armour, bolta, 2 boltpistols
*Deathskull Nob Magteef- bolta and boltpistol
*Deathskull Mekboy Nazstuf- Shokk Attack Gun, targeter, refractor field
*Deathskull Runtherd Gobrunt & 6 Snotling Mobz- bolta and boltpistol
*6 Goff Nobz in power armour- boltpistols, 5 with boltas and power gloves, 1 with plasma gun,axe
*Goff Mob: 5 Skarboyz & 5 Boyz- boltpistols, axes, 2 power axes, power sword, plasma pistol, 2 chainswords
*Goff Mob: 5 Skarboyz & 5 Boyz- boltpistols, axes, 2 power axes, power sword, 2 chainswords
*8 Evil Sunz Boyz- boltas, boltpistols and axes
*5 Deathskulls- 2 eavy plasma guns, lascannon, autocannon, eavy stubba, boltpistols and axes
*2 Goff Dreadnoughts- lascannon and eavy bolter
Warboss Muglurk
THE SQUATS mission:take and hold
*Warlord Gundark Rand-carapace armour, plasma pistol, master crafted boltpistol, bionic eye, bionic arm
*Battle Standard Yonn- carapace armour, laspistol
*Medic Noomis-carapace armour, chainsword
*Hearthguard Bofor- carapace armour, plasma gun and plasma pistol
*Ancestor Lord Morris Merkin- carapace armour, force rod, laspistol, bionic leg
*Ranger Captain (Mighty Hero) Ragehook- carapace armour, boltpistol, power glove
*Hearthguard Fildar-carapace armour, meltagun
*Hearthguard Khyrk-carapace armour, bolter
*Hearthguard Bylcow- carapace armour, bolter
*Hearthguard Doc- carapace armour, plasma gun
*Engineer Guildmaster Orris- power armour, power axe, laspistol and displacer field
*Attack Squad #1- 3 chainswords, power glove
*Attack Squad #2- boltpistols, axes and a flamer
*Thunderer Squad-2 heavy plasma guns, 2 heavy bolters, autocannon
*Warrior Squad #1- 4 bolters, plasma gun
*Warrior Squad #2- 4 bolters, autocannon
*3 Trikes- vehicle cards
*Thudd Gun & 2 Crew
*Mole Mortar & 2 Crew
*Land Raider
*2 Rhino APC's
Warlord Gundark Rand
Captain Ragehook and his Rangers
Representative Gundark Rand of The Squat Heavy Industrialist's Union (Punitive Division) glared grimly at the scene before him.
Orks again! Would their meddling never cease?
Far from the ideal working environment in terms of Occupational Health and Safety, this world had proved to be rife with risks, including a diabolical alliance of Orks and Chaos Marines which had stymied their advance through the abandoned industrial regions of this particular settlement and had blown up his brand new second hand Land Raider (that he had picked up for a steal due to it having no weapons systems installed and a slightly bung radiator).
All they wanted to do was set up shop and manufacture some mining equipment, why was this such a problem for the locals, huh?
Rand spat and activated his headset.
"Guildmaster Orris, have you located the drill-site yet?"
There was a crackle of static, then "Affirmative Representative Rand, the drill-site is located directly ahead, it seems that there are some old fortifications built over it, maybe some trenches or barricades?"
"Will that be a problem Orris?"
"Negative, our drills will go through it like butter. The only problem will be securing it from the Orks. We're tracking a lot of movement via the Land Raider's sensors, emission signatures seem to suggest a couple of walkers and heavy munitions are present"
"Copy that Orris. Okay, let's load up and move into position. All representatives sound off."
Representative Rand was already climbing into the back of his Rhino APC as he gave the order. Waiting in the back of the transport was his team of fellow Union reps, including his young medic Noomis, the Union flag bearer Yonn, his personal Hearthguard Borof and the Venerable Ancestor Morris Merkin, who appeared frail but had an explosive temper when roused.
There was also a small squad of his Union journeymen armed with a variety of close combat weapons.
"Roger that, this is Captain Ragehook of the Rangers, moving out." came the first reply.
The Captain and his band of adventurers were in a second APC on the right flank.
"Roger that s-" The transmission from Orris was interrupted by a loud bang and the sound of muffled curses coming over the intercom.
"What was that Orris? ORRIS?"
"Nothing, nothing, we just lost a lascannon to a lucky shot, that's all..."
"Damnit Orris, we just rebuilt that Land Raider, I don't want another scratch on it, do you hear me? NOT ONE SCRATCH!"
Representative Rand slammed the hatch shut on the Rhino and gave the signal to roll out.
ORK TURN ONE:
The Orks hastily formed a battle line under the bellowed instructions of their warboss, who took his place in the centre of the formation, accompanied by Nafrot the battle standard bearer and Zogwort the weirdboy with his burly minderz.
Magteef's Deathskulls had taken up position in the upper levels of the ruins, bristling with heavy dakka and the experimental shokk attack gun.
On both flanks there were a mob of Goffs each with a dreadnought to provide some covering fire, Nazguk's Evil Sunz accompanied the boys on the left and on the right Waa-Dreg and his power armoured Nobz made a formidable sight.
Muglurk took a last look up and down the line and smiled nastily before giving the order to attack.
The stunties were about to get a right and proper kicking.
The two mobs of Goffs raced forward with their respective dreadnoughts lumbering behind, with the Evil Sunz and power armoured Nobz following suit.
One of the dreadnought's lascannons scored a direct hit on the Land Raider's hull that failed to penetrate the vehicle's impressive armour.
The ork walker then zeroed in on the nearby Thudd gun with it's heavy bolter and let rip with an extended burst of remarkably accurate fire that destroyed the field weapon and shredded the crew.
A heavy plasma blast from the Deathskulls destroyed one of the tank's sponsons before their Mekboy Nazstuf fired the Shokk Attack gun.
A mob of frenzied snotlings materialised inside the Land Raider's sole remaining sponson, and another inside the crew compartment- both gunners were dragged down by the maddened little gremlins.
A lascannon beam from the dreadnought on the right flank finished the tank off, and a cheer went up as the Land Raider exploded in flames.
Muglurk and Nafrot elbowed each other in high spirits as close by the minderz struggled to restrain their charge as buzzing, crackling energy began to materialise around the potent psyker's cranium.
Zogwort attempted to summon the Waaggh but an unseen presence shut down the power with authority.
SQUATS TURN ONE:
Losing the Land Raider in turn one was a blow to the Squats as it was the primary means of acquiring their 'Take and Hold' objective, but they forged ahead with the overall plan, which was to engulf the orks in a pincer motion and clean them up in close combat.
On the left flank, the rhino carrying the Squat general and his team roared ahead full speed, escorted by one of the heavily armed but lightly armoured trikes.
In the centre of the field, a warrior squad with an autocannon and bolt guns laid down some withering fire on the power-armoured orks in front of them, killing several. The trike that had been escorting the Land Raider zoomed out into the open, bringing it into multi-melta range of the first dreadnought. The melta-weapon fried the walker from the inside-out, setting off the engines in a spectacular explosion that killed the mech behind it and several more power armoured orks. The squad containing the Guildmaster that had escaped the carnage of the Land Raider wreckage moved into cover with the Thunderer squad.
On the right flank the second Rhino screeched forward and began attempting to plough over a mob of Goffs. They squished a couple but the rest were able to jump clear of the marauding tank. Behind the tank, in the cover of some barricades, the Thunderer squad opened up with their heavy weapons, stripping the remaining dreadnought of all it's arms, leaving it a big walking head-but machine. The mole mortar launched a subterranean attack on the squad of goffs in front of them, killing a handful.
ORK TURN TWO:
Muglurk's joviality dissipated as he witnessed the devastating Squat counter attack, and he swore loudly as he took stock of both tattered flanks.
On the left, Doc Mekgob and Narbog's boys turned their attention to the Rhino that had ploughed into and over them, and the Painboy's went straight to work with his power claw.
The Evil Sunz nob managed to pull a Squat from the trike that raced past him, and the gunslinging Ork took great delight in executing the poor little git as he lay stunned.
Nazstuf took aim at the squad that had emerged from the wreckage of the Land Raider and his Shokk Attack Gun whirred into action once more.
Gobrunt the Runtherd fed the four remaining Snotling mobs into the warp tunnel and they materialised on target, all five of them falling to the diminutive gremlins who did their best to accost the red armoured Guildmaster for good measure.
Muglurk and Nafrot ran to engage the Rhino and trike that had motored up to their left, closely followed by the minderz and their struggling warphead.
Waaaggh energy positively overflowed from the Weirdboy, the buzzing and crackling lights and energy that now emanated from Zogwort's eyes, ears, nose and mouth built to a crescendo and it was all too much-the Ork psyker's head exploded in a shower of gore.
Muglurk felt the wet splatter on his back and glance back to see the relieved minderz let the weirdboy's headless body slump to the ground.
"Zoggin éll" the Warboss muttered.
This wasn't good...
SQUAT TURN TWO:
The burning rhino containing the ranger force sped out of control towards the edge of the board then exploded in a ball of flame that killed all it's occupants.
The command rhino carrying the warlord and his retinue rounded the bend of the ruins on the left flank and continued pouring fire into the orks who were hunkering down there, managing to slay the last power armoured Nob and wounding the power armoured bigboss. The escort trike stepped on the gas and lined up the ork warboss and his standard bearer with the devastating might of it's multimelta. As the standard bearer evaporated with a hideous shriek, the warboss' force field was pushed to it's maximum capacity, saving the big brute's life, but frying itself in the process - he was now without any real protection.
In the centre of the field the warrior squad with the autocannon broke cover to gain a better firing position, their little legs pumping away as they ran. The Guildmaster, having lost his warrior squad to the unpredictable but deadly Shokk Attack gun, moved to defend the mole mortar crew with his life against the rapidly approaching Evil Sunz boyz. The Thunderer squad had used it's plasma cannons on full power last turn and were awaiting a recharge, and the autocannon and heavy bolter had experienced jams the turn before, so only one heavy bolter remained to fire on the appraoching orks - and he rolled a double jam that would effectively take him out of the game!
The mole mortar had slightly more luck, sending a high-speed shell whizzing through the earth to emerge and explode amongst some goffs, killing two of them with deadly shrapnel.
On the right of the field, the trike that had been escorting the now exploded Rhino came zooming out of the ruins to line up the remaining, armless dreadnought. Unfortunately the tears of grief streaming down the trike-gunners face messed up his aim and he missed the giant walker completely!
In an attempt to trap the ork warlord, the living Ancestor erected a mental Force Dome over him and the retinue of minders that had been escorting the deceased wierdboy. With no psychic defence left, the old Squat had free reign in the psychic phase and put it to good use. The warlord was trapped... but for how long?
Rand was not a happy squat. He could see the pillar of smoke behind them where the Land Raider had been blown to smithereens once again. It was a miracle that the occupants had survived after having had live snotlings teleported in through some unstable warp tunnel, but to then escape the blast after a lascannon shot had melted right through the front armour and the whole vehicle and spun and the engines exploded... well, Rand was glad Orris had escaped unscathed, because when he saw him next he was going to KILL him.
Just then the radio blared to life. "Mayday, mayday, this is Captain Ragehook, we are under melee assault by heavily armed orks, they... they're cutting into the fuel lines, we never should have tried to run them all over, it was just so funny at the time, they... nooooAAARGHH!!"
The transmission was cut off, and over the distant sound of gunfire they heard the louder boom of a tank exploding. The young medic in Rand's team was hunched over the APC's monitor. His face went pale as he saw the life-sign monitors of the sister APC flatline.
"DAMMIT!" cursed Rand. These orks were exacting too great a toll. His raging man-grief was interrupted by a squawk over the APC's internal intercom.
"We have multiple orks among the ruins to the right, prepare for incoming fire." The APC driver's announcement was cool and calm.
"Incoming fire?" growled Rand, "I'll give THEM incoming fire!"
The hatches of the Rhino flew open and blasts of plasma and bolter shots began hammering at the orks skulking in the ruins, the satisfying sounds of vengeance! Ancestor Morris screwed his face up in concentration, then let rip with a wave of psychic power so intense that six orks were blasted apart and the remainder were hurled backwards with the pure mental force.
"Dayum," muttered Rand, glad the angry old geezer was on his side...
ORK TURN THREE:
The Deathskulls that had a line of sight to the Squat Command Rhino opened fire, a heavy plasma blast hit but failed to overcome the APC's armour plating, before a lascannon beam pierced through the front armour and lanced the driver.
The boy with the autocannon gunned down the mole mortar's spotter as the severely handicapped dreadnought barrelled into the Thunderers and slew one with a plasma cannon.
Boss Waa-Dreg managed to close with a heavy weapon trike and crush it's gunner with his power glove, small revenge for the loss of his boyz.
Muglurk railed against the force dome in vain as the stuntie's continued their merry dance of destruction.
SQUAT TURN THREE:
The driverless command Rhino slews out of control, crashing into the psychic Force Dome and fortunately sustained no damage. The occupants of the Rhino, including the Warlord and his retinue and four of the Squat assault team came spilling out, ready for a fight (the fifth Squat, Sten Smoothbore, remained to drive the Rhino).
The assault force unleashed a storm of bolt pistol fire at the power armoured Nob and his remaining squaddie, but while the ork boy fell to the shots, the Nob survived, his powerfist glowing with deadly promise... In an attempt to bring him down for good the squat warlord's retinue opened up with their own weapons, but a plasma pistol jammed and the various laspistols and master-crafted bolt-pistol didn't leave a mark. In desperation Sten swiveled the Rhino's bolters to fire on the stubborn nob but he was unfamiliar with the controls and wasn't able to hit him effectively.
The escort trike had lost it's gunner to the ork boss in melee, but it's driver was not keen to follow, so he stepped on the gas and zoomed around the stricken Rhino and the force dome, seeking to find a good target for it's linked bolters next turn.
In the centre field, the warrior squad with the Autocannon continued their stubby advance, rounding the corner of the bunker to bring their weapons to bear on the distant targets on the right flank.
The mole-mortar scored another two kills on the goffs that had destroyed the ranger's Rhino, each death a grudge marked off the list.
The power-armoured guildmaster had followed up last turn's assault with a charge into the Evil Sunz nob and his remaining boy, intent to unleash his hatred of the greenskins in furious battle! By the time he had finished his glowing power-axe had sliced through the basic flak armour of his two opponents and left them dead and steaming on the ground... the Guildmaster followed up this attack by moving closer to the armless yet still deadly dreadnought that was attempting to stomp the Thunderer squad to death. The Thunderers opened up on the approaching Goff boss Narbog, who copped a numerous hits from heavy bolter fire but was able to shrug them off with his high toughness and force field. Finally a blast from a heavy plasma cannon engulfed him, but on the lucky roll of a 6 he was able to survive, at the expense of his force field burning out!
The Squat trike that had been escorting the doomed Rhino, intent on making up for missing the dreadnought last turn, drove right up to the window of the industrial ruins and zapped a couple of the deadly Deathskull Lootas that were lurking there - the creatures stood no chance and were vaporised where they stood!
Finally, the Ancestor lord lost his patience with the persistent Goff nob Snazgrot, and blasted him apart with a wave of psychic trauma in the form of Hammer of Fury. He attempted to follow it up with a Domination on the power-armoured Nob who had killed the trike gunner, but the creature proved strangely resistant to being mind-controlled.
ORK TURN FOUR:
On the left flank, Nargob and his remaining boss opened up on the Thunderers at close range with their boltpistols, neither one managing to wound any of the bearded gits. though the dreadnought managed to account for one with a heavy bolter.
The Deathskulls eavy stubber let fly with a hail of fire that destroyed the multimelta on the trike near the centre of the battlefield, and his mate with the lascannon's good aim abandoned him and the beam went wide.
The power armoured boss Waa-Dreg recklessly charged into the Squat Commander's retinue and managed to obliterate the standard bearer with his power glove.
"Who's next?" he taunted, raising the weapon menacingly.
All Muglurk could do was watch on from his force dome-prison cell.
SQUAT TURN FOUR:
Warboss Rand and his retinue had weathered the storm. They had driven right into the heart of the ork lines and by a combination of luck and guts, had cornered the ork warboss and eliminated the majority of his followers - it was time to finish this!
The Squat warboss and his men surrounded the remaining power-armoured ork, who had just killed the standard bearer in brutal melee. The Squat Warlord stepped forward wielding his pistols, but failed to finish the evil creature off. Fortunately one of his assault squad escorts leapt in with his crackling powerfist and ended Boss Waa-Dreg for good.
Meanwhile the Ancestor lord brought down the Force Dome he had erected over the Ork general and charged him single-handedly, all thoughts of capture now gone.
The warrior squad with the Autocannon opened up on bigboss Nargob and his remaining Nob, and with supporting fire from the last functioning heavy bolter in the Thunderer squad, managed to bring the dirty pair down. Guildmaster Orris charged the busted up dreadnought, but in a sudden moment of clarity both decided that war solved nothing and that peaceful protest was the way forward (in other words we forgot to fight that combat) so the two just stood around awkwardly waiting for the battle to finish.
The trike that had once escorted the ill-fated ranger Rhino and recently evaporated some Deathskulls made a plucky attempt to vape the Shokk Attack mek but he was saved by his fiendish greenskin technology, surviving the mighty multi melta and living to fight another day. The recently weaponless trike that had been escorting the warlord zoomed around the ruins to take aim at the ork who had destroyed the Rhino with his power-claw, but sadly, revenge was not to be had this day and the grudge remains unsettled...
The Ancestor Lord Morris Merkin charged headlong into the hulking figure of the ork general, who held a crackling poweraxe and plasma pistol at the ready. Almost faster than the eye could follow, the ancient squat rained blow after blow upon the hapless ork with his force-rod, smashing aside his defences and leaving him helpless to resist. With a final roar the old warrior JAMMED HIS FORCE ROD UP THE WARBOSS' CLACKER, PULLED THE OTHER END OUT THE TOP OF HIS SKULL AND FLOSSED HIM VERTICALLY IN HALF.
The gore had barely finished spurting when the Ancestor let loose a terrifying blast of psychic power which annihilated two of the unfortunate weirdboy minders and sent the other two and a runtherd sprawling back. With a final grunt he attempted to possess the mind of a nearby Deathskull in order to have him let loose with his heavy stubber on his comrades, but once again the strange mind of the greenskin proved too resilient to control.
Thus concluded the battle...
Representative Gundark Rand removed his helmet and wiped a hand across his face. The battle was over, and the remaining orks were retreating back through the ruins. The last few moments of the battle had been intense – their Rhino driver had been instantly killed by a lascannon shot through the viewslit, the tank had careened out of control and hit Morris' psychic force dome, which was containing the ork Warboss and a small retinue of his minions. They had exited the stricken tank only to be charged by the one remaining ork in power-armour that they hadn't managed to shoot yet. The damn creature had torn poor Yonn to pieces before they had all laid in the boot and killed it, but that was nothing compared to what Morris had done...
The old ancestor was standing over the disgusting puddle that had once been the ork warlord. There were bits and pieces everywhere. Morris was stroking his wispy white beard.
"I lost my temper a bit" muttered the old one.
"That you did, Morris, that you did. We could probably have questioned him if you'd kept him trapped in that bubble a bit longer."
"Aye..." said Morris, "well, no sense crying over spilt ork. We should secure the drilling site and make camp before nightfall. The orks may rally and we should be prepared..."
"Wise words, as always." Rand nodded, but looking down at the grisly remains of the ork warboss, he couldn't help but wonder who would be daft enough to come back for more...
PS: here is how close the Squat player (Captain Crooks) came to capturing his objective.
Lucky for me he got caught up in curbstomping my Orks instead of claiming it!
We didn't really bother counting VP's but it was undoubtedly a convincing victory
for Crooksie's Squats.
